REASONS TO FEAR CANADA

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You Might Be Canadian If...

* You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don't miss Hockey Night.

* You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.

* You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.

* You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."

* You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.

* You know that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) don't always look like that.

* You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.

* You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.

* You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".

* You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.

* You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard.

* You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.

* You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"

* You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.

* You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.

* You participate in Participaction!

* You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.

* You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.

* You think Peter Kent is sexy.

* You think Matt Damon is so-so.

* You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

* You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

* You think Great Big Sea isn't Atlantic-centric enough.

* Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on (and you always have room for more).

* You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.

* You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.

* You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

* You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95 Referendum.

* You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.

* You think Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.

* You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.

* You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".

* You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.

* You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

* You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.

* You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.

* You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.

* You think -10 C is mild weather.

* You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.

* You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).

* You know the ingredients for poutine.

* You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up.

* You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role.

* You substitute beer for water when cooking.

* You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.

* You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner is 'add more milk.'

* You prefer Elvis Stojko when he has 'hockey hair' - a.k.a. 'the mullet' or 'the shorty-longback'.

* You brag about the sweet herb in BC.

* You know the chorus of "The Log Driver's Waltz" and are particularly fond of the 'burling down and down' bit.

* You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative education placement because you figure you can find lots of uses for paper with 'Human Resources Development Canada/Développement des Ressources Humaines Canada' written at the top.

* You have daydreams that film-maker Don McKellar, and Hugh Dillon from The Headstones, skinned and ate Regis Philbin.

* You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM.

* You know what "Canuba" is. You think it's pretty damn funny.

* Your gravy boat is shaped like the Bluenose.

* You refuse to consume chocolate that doesn't come in either Smarties, Coffee Crisp, or Laura Secord format.

* You die a little inside if you can't get your Tim's double-double every morning.

* You know the difference between real snow and "television" snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching 'Winter' scenes.

* Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.

* You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize.

* You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer.

* You know who Foster Hewitt is.

* You can spot MEC from a kilometre away, even if the little white tag is hidden.

* You're either out to bingo or getting stinko (and you think no more of Inco) on a Sudbury Saturday night.

* You've actually said, "Stay where yer at, 'till I gets where yer to."

* You pity people who haven't tasted a "beavertail".

* Complete the phrase: "The good old ____ game is the best ____ you can ____."

* You've got some rocks and you've got to leave an important message -- Lucky you know how to build an innukshuk!

* You have at least one ROOTS sweatshirt that always smells like cigarettes and beer.

* You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners. (Bonus points if your collected snippy-things are stuck to your fridge.)

* You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions" wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself, you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the idiots who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?"

* Your Saturday nights in the Atlantic provinces include eating beans and brown bread as you watch Hockey Night in Canada.

* You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform Party with better hair.

* You know that, contrary to general belief, the Inuit have about the same amount of words for snow as do English speakers. Your favourite Inuit word for 'snow' is "navcaq" (snow formation about to collapse).

* Your local zoo is mainly flamingoes, giraffes and sad elephants freezing their asses off against a backdrop of pine trees, grey skies, and precambrian shield formations.

* You wonder why squirrels and seagulls somehow manage to get in every zoo exhibit (including the parking lot and squirrel and seagull exhibits).

* You live in a "beach town" and have to eat your brothers and sisters to stay alive during the winter months.

* You wonder why Esther Canadas has been blessed with both beauty and the coolest name on the planet -- although Canuck cutie Shalom Harlow could wipe the floor with her.

* You're such a hardcore Canadian punk you used ketchup-flavoured potato chip 'residue' to dye your hair. You know it's kind of gross, but at least you smell good.

* You don't consider a date truly romantic until you've slow danced to Blue Rodeo's "Five Days in May". You accept "Lost Together" as a second option.

* You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK"

* You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

* You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

* You drink Pop, not Soda.

* You only know three spices: Salt, pepper and ketchup

* You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"

* You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays (not vacation), with good cigars and no Americans.

* You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway

* You drive on a highway, not a freeway

* You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

* You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

* You cried when you heard that "Mr Dress Up" died recently.

* You brag to Americans: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & more, are Canadians.

* You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

* You know what a toque is.

* You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

* You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed"

* You live in a house with no front step, but the door is one meter up from the ground.

* Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

* You know that the four seasons means: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road work/construction.

* You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

* You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

* You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"

* You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."

* You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

* "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"

* You call it a BUN not a "Roll"

* Its called a WASHROOM not a lavatory or powder room or rest room.

* You've ever had your tongue frozen to something.

* You know that in Canada the mosquitoes have landing lights

* You have more kilometers on your snow blower than your car.

* You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

* You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.

* You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

* Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

* You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.

* At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles a meat processing plant.

* The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

* Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.

* You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.

* You head south to go to your cottage.

* You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

* You know which leaves make for good toilet paper.

* The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo, it's sausage making.

* You find -40C a little chilly.

* The trunk of your car doubles as a freezer.

* You attend a formal in your best clothes, your finest jeweler and your Sorrels.

* You can play road hockey on skates.

* The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

* You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

 

You may be a little too Canadian if...

* You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.

* You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.

* You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!", "You know I canna read a word...", "One day we have tar paper roof!" and "Kanata".

* You advocate the abolition of responsible government in favour of monarchist rule.

* You think there isn't enough Queen on our currency.

* Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel.

* You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

* You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

* You automatically read 'Z' as 'Zed' and don't give a damn that it doesn't rhyme with "now I know my abcs".

* You are moved to tears by those Bell Canada phone commercials they show around Remembrance Day, where the grandson calls his granddad from Dieppe. You understand the manipulative nature of the advertisement, but continue to be moved, nonetheless.

* You stay up until midnight (the end of some television station broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.

* You get up at 5:00 am (the beginning of broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.

* You spit angrily when Americans say "ruff" instead of the correct "roof".

* When abroad, you have a cold fear that somebody might mistake you for an American. You make a point of deliberately being kind to locals just to make it clear you are a Canadian.

 

You are too Canadian if...

* You've ever said, 'I need more flannel clothing.'

* You understand everything in this list, and email it to all your friends.

* You read rather than scanned this list.

 

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